


The black dog and the Wolfe

by Beezarre (Dibee)



Category: Holby City
Genre: AU: Meeting on a military base post Elinor's death, Angst, Berena Appreciation Week day 4 (late), F/F, Grief and depression, Quite a lot of angst, but Major Wolfe need I say more, probably too many stereotypes, taking men down a notch or two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 03:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15742950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dibee/pseuds/Beezarre
Summary: After her daughter’s death, Serena knows she can’t stay in Holby, not without destroying everything she’s helped build. Her first few steps in the warzone military hospital where she’d been attached are a leap into the unknown. She will have to prove herself, to others and that nagging little voice that sounds so much like Elinor. She can only count on herself. Enter one Major Wolfe…





	The black dog and the Wolfe

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is full of angst! In fact it's 99% Angst. And yet it's 5,5K. I still don't know how I managed to write it AND edit it in my current mindset but eh, it's there at least! (Just a few days late.)
> 
> This could potentially be a multichapter. As in it could be, but I don't know if I'd be able to write it properly, nor if there'd be any interest in it.
> 
> Thanks to DaisyDoctor13 for her encouragement and general awesomeness!
> 
> Written for Day 4 of Berena Appreciation Week 2018

She was almost there. The last leg of the transport felt like someone had stuck her in a dryer, except she’d be getting out of it sweatier rather than dry. Her only consolation was that everyone else shared her fate.

 

No one had tried to talk. There was too much noise anyway; they all looked exhausted and apprehensive. Serena wasn’t sure that it was how she felt. She wasn’t sure how she felt. She had thought this through, as much as she had been capable of at the time. She needed to feel useful, to test her limits. The anger wrapped around her core had provided the necessary appearance of determination during the screening process.

 

They’d be in the camp in less than an hour. The only parts of her that were shaking could be blamed on the vehicle. Her mind was blank, almost resigned. She jumped when they came to a halt, having drifted on the edge of sleep without even realising it. The man that had been sitting next to her had all but jumped out with abandon, probably eager to remind himself what firm ground felt like, and she found herself following suit. Firm ground felt hard, grainy, and she could taste the dirt the vehicle had displaced.

 

She went with the flow, not entirely sure which of the men and women she was meant to be following, relying on further signage. What signage she did see featured unhelpful acronyms, none of which she recognised. She heard her name called and turned her head sharply to meet a pair of weary eyes. The soldier tipped his head to the side and started walking toward the nearest building. The rest of the group was dispatched in all directions, some heading for further bases, most of them military.

 

She felt like the odd one out, the oldest too. She knew she could expect some patronising sighs and the like, nothing she hadn’t weathered before. She knew she would snap this time though, knew she could, too, within reason, and that was one aspect of the whole endeavour that did help, knowing that she wouldn’t have to police herself as much as she would have in the NHS. She would be surrounded by soldiers and trauma, not expected to sweet talk anyone.

 

She tried to keep track of where they were going but quickly lost track of the corridors. They walked past wards, most of the beds filled with recovering patients, closed doors, and a few curious medics. She was dressed as a civilian, having followed the guidelines of what would be expected, and most appropriate in terms of the missions she would be given.

 

She wouldn’t be heading out, of course, she was ward-bound, would get to operate along those she knew were some of the best surgeons she’d most likely work with. All she had left to do was hope their egos weren’t as large as their reputations, then again she had coped with that before.

 

When they finally stopped the man knocked on a door that stated the status of its occupant, the base leader. He announced her then left her there. She hoped she wouldn’t be expected to find her way back on her own, or at least not without having been given a map of some kind.

 

She stepped inside, bracing herself for what to come. A tall, large man was standing in front of her, offering his hand in what she supposed was a gesture of good faith in light of the RAMC-NHS collaboration. Either that or he was testing her. If she disappointed him, he didn’t let it show.

 

He showed her a seat, which she was surprised to notice was more comfortable than she would have expected. Not comfortable enough that you’d forget where you were, but enough to be a comfort to people who’d spent the whole day on their feet, or, in her case, shaky vehicles.

 

He went straight to the point, doing a quick recap of what she was expected to do and not to do, gave her what she suspected was the place’s version of a welcome leaflet, complete with a map -hurrah- flanked with a list of all necessary acronyms. She had signed the bulk of the paperwork back in England.

 

A younger woman appeared at the door, standing at attention when meeting her superior’s eyes. She was her chaperone for the week. The young woman didn’t seem too enthused by that, but Serena doubted she’d had a choice in the matter.

 

Following her assigned best friend, she met more curious eyes, some of which she managed to stare down when the smiles turned to smirks. The Captain led her to the quarters. She would be sharing a room with her, another Captain, and a Major. There had been something in the way she’d spoken the last word that had made Serena tick. Was it fear, admiration, something else, she couldn’t say.

 

She would have to look out for her, at least it would be someone closer in age, which wouldn’t necessarily mean they would get on. Well, quarters were for sleeping, you didn’t need to get on past an agreement not to scream at the top of your lungs when one of the beds were taken. This was the army though, who knew…

 

Her guide invited her to meet her in the mess half an hour later, leaving her to put her things away and go investigate the bathrooms. They offered more privacy than she’d feared, although she had realised, at some point through the whole process, that this in itself wasn’t something that would have gotten to her, at that point.

 

She felt almost detached from her own body, only aware of her outfit where it hindered her movements, averting her eyes when she saw herself in a mirror. She wasn’t too fond of the woman she was becoming, knew her past self wouldn’t have stood for her current behaviour, and what little care she took of herself. All food tasted bland these days, so she no longer bothered being picky, something that would prove useful in a place like this, she suspected.

 

Carefully unfolding the map she gave it a quick once over before locating the mess. She memorised the path she needed to take, refusing to look like a tourist, before getting on her way in what she hoped was a good pretence of knowing where she was going. She almost collided with a few people who somehow managed to walk quietly despite their boots. She may as well have been transparent. Maybe it was because she was a civilian, or maybe it had to do with the fact that she’d felt like a ghost in her own life for months. It was starting to rub off on other people.

 

Arriving at the mess she couldn’t spot her guardian angel. Well done, Campbell. She cursed under her breath. She was startled when a large hand met her shoulder in what must have been meant in a friendly clap. US Military. A surgeon who’d heard about her. Well, she hoped he hadn’t heard about her good manners, because he wouldn’t be seeing those much.

 

She was trying to cut the conversation short when her guardian angel appeared at the other end of the room, a worried look on her face. All she did was wave quickly before disappearing again. Serena mumbled an apology before following her. As she saw the eyes on her she realised she was expected to run, and did just that, hoping not to lose track of the young woman. They met close to the operating theatres, where the Captain summed up what would turn out to be a wave of seriously wounded people. That meant all hands on deck, including Serena who hadn’t even been introduced to that whole side of the base yet. Well, a theatre was a theatre.

 

Except for the young Captain, Serena hadn’t been introduced to anyone there, and she could practically see the clenched jaws under the masks. The anaesthetist looked about to snap, one of the surgeons was snapping at the nurses who tried to stay out of the way of the second surgeon as well. What was she supposed to do, step in there and go ‘how can I help?’

 

“Campbell, NHS, vascular and general surgery.” That would do as introduction.

 

“This has your name on it.” The snappy surgeon pointed at a large wound on the man’s leg, and Serena had to admit it looked like a textbook case. Luckily for them, she had rewritten a few textbooks in her time.

 

“It’s one of ours.” The addition had come from the same surgeon, a man whose voice seemed to have dived even deeper. It wasn’t just one of theirs, it was someone he knew. It was unavoidable in a place like this, but she didn’t fancy being strewn in on her first day. A baptism by gunfire, of sorts. They worked in silence save for increasingly sharp orders.

 

“Call Wolfe.” The other surgeon’s words made everyone freeze for a second, save for Serena who focused on a tricky stitch.

 

“But-“

 

“Can you do it?” There was a pause, and Serena looked up, there was more than just defiance in the man’s eyes, a fear, too. It was one of their own. Serena peered into the wound they had been working on. They turned toward her.

 

“Have you ever worked on something like that before?” She looked up at them.

 

“Not like that.” She heard more than she saw the vitals drop just as she was about to add something. Jumping in, nudging her neighbour slightly aside, she clamped the freshly burst blood vessel in time to spare them all a crimson shower.

 

“Good reflex.” There was no mockery in her tone but it was patronising all the same.

 

“Not my first rodeo.”

 

“This is war, Campbell.” There was a pause and she looked up slowly.

 

“Every operation is a war. Let’s win this one and we can see about that pissing contest later.” She hadn’t meant to be this rash, but she was on edge, and could tell the anaesthetist had blanched under her mask. They had to act fast, whoever this Wolfe was would be too late.

 

Her words had shocked the room into further silence. Even as a civilian she owed them respect. She had overstepped, and she knew it. She had a feeling making enemies on her first day would not do. If she managed to prove herself, there and then, she had a chance of making it through the week.

 

She took advantage of the temporary shock to take the lead, passing the clamps to the man across from her, giving firm orders to the nurse who was now extra careful around her too. The two men seemed to get out of their trance and they all worked together to repair what could be repaired.

 

Once the worst of it was under control, she stepped aside and resumed working on the wound she’d been assigned previously. By the time she was finished, everything else had been tended to, and both surgeons had stepped away. There was steel in their eyes when they met on the way out, and Serena wondered what kind of face off to expect once the masks were off.

 

Her Captain was nowhere to be seen, probably in another theatre. She wasn’t sure they were meant to operate together. She hoped her behaviour wouldn’t impact her. She followed the procedures, relishing the comfort of that routine, in no particular hurry. She wasn’t sure what she feared most, a public confrontation, where she could be humiliated, or a private one, where she would see the real masks fall off.

 

“You’re either very brave or very careless, Ma’am.” The anaesthetist had stepped beside her. The ‘Ma’am’ had been there for show, there was bravado in her words. She was the one taking some liberties with the chain of command now. Serena didn’t reply.

 

Patients were wheeled in and out and she had to slalom to reach the two men who were clearly waiting for her, almost leaning against the wall opposite. There was a smirk on one of their faces. From their stances, she could tell they didn’t get on. Pity she’d been the one uniting them.

 

“Can I get another surgeon in here or is it too much to ask?” A booming woman’s voice came echoing around them, and she saw the two men exchange a look. They didn’t look too fond of the idea.

 

“You should go. Get to know more of us.” There was her and them, and she realised now that it would make her life considerably more complicated if she let men like them remind her of it too often. Still, something in the way they had reacted made her want to get to know the impatient woman. She might just find an ally in her.

 

As she stepped into the theatre, she could tell the atmosphere was different. There was an energy there that had been totally absent from the one before.

 

“Rank, Name, Specialty, now.” The woman’s incredibly stern voice made Serena want to stand there with her hands on her hips, but she chose to answer in kind.

 

“Campbell, vascular and general surgery.” She left a brief pause before adding ‘NHS’ as assuredly as she could.

 

“Great.” The woman sighed. “You’ll do. Rather you than the two idiots loitering over there.” So there was tension there. Serena realised she had no idea what the woman’s name was, but she suspected she might have been the Wolfe they’d mentioned earlier, possibly also the Major that had made such an impression on her roommate. “Ground rules: my theatre, my patient, my call. Questions?” Should she ask what her name was?

 

“No, doctor…” She let the word slide innocuously, knew the term wasn’t used in a military context.

 

“Major to you.” That had been almost a growl. “Wolfe.” That fitted the growl perfectly.

 

Serena noticed the team around them working differently, too. There was a sync there. They knew the surgeon well enough, almost anticipated her demands. Serena found herself thinking that, her personality aside, she could grow to enjoy working with this woman who was clearly at the top of her game, at the top of her field, confident in her own abilities. Somewhere in her mind she could almost hear Elinor’s voice mocking her ‘so you want to be like her when you grow up?’

 

She clenched her teeth and followed directions. They were rather vague directions, she was surprised to notice, which allowed her to do things her way, within the limits of the wound she was working on. The patient remained stable at first before his vitals dropped dramatically. The Major didn’t pause but kept working, relying on the people around her to keep things going while she did the bulk of the tricky procedure she had attempted. As astounded as Serena had been when she had seen her start, she had to admit it had been the best, and somewhat safest solution provided the surgeon knew what she was doing, which turned out to be the case. She finished just as their patient’s heart stopped, and it was promptly restarted, the pulse growing steadier.

 

“Nicely done.” Serena hadn’t expected her to congratulate her team but it served as a reminder of how important the maintaining of cohesion was in a context like the army. She knew them, knew their strengths and weaknesses, Serena suspected, and more importantly knew how to lead them.

 

They weren’t out of the woods yet, even if their patient seemed to be. Serena was stealing quick looks at the woman’s work whenever she could and felt a smile bloom on her face at the thought of what some of the people back in Holby would think of her techniques.

 

“Something funny, Campbell?”

 

She had almost, almost, offered her first name.

 

“Just picturing the look of my NHS colleagues if they saw your perform.”

 

“How about you picture this young man getting out of here all patched up and healthy.” That was just light banter, very little edge to it, probably the same she put in everything else. Serena wondered how you could live like this, before realising what she was doing was in many ways similar, these days.

 

“I can multitask, contrarily to them.” She inclined her head toward the door, meaning the two surgeons she’d had to ‘cooperate’ with before. Wolfe let out a bark of a laugh.

 

“You must have really gotten to them, or they’d have been all over you like a fly.”

 

“That bad?”

 

“You have no idea. I’ve seen them hit on men because they couldn’t tell because of the mask.” That memory seemed to spark quite a few smiles around the room.

 

“I take it they’re…”

 

“Mysogynistic homophobic machos who don’t like to be proved wrong?”

 

“Oops!” Serena looked up with a twinkle in her eye. Was she making a friend?

 

“Don’t worry about them. What matters here, in theatre, is result. If you’re better than them, they will step aside, begrudgingly maybe, but they won’t let a patient die out of pride.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

“Just expect to have to prove yourself every second of every day until your dying breath.” Serena had a feeling the Major meant this for everyone, and especially her, although she had had nothing to complain about this time, which Serena suspected was the highest compliment she would get.

 

They finished in an easy silence, tensed without it being stressful. The Major was gone by the time Serena went to change. She hadn’t even seen her face.

 

Her Captain was waiting for her outside, a frown on her face.

 

“You’re the talk of the base, Ma’am.”

 

“Ah.” Serena was hoping the Captain would elaborate. She didn’t. “What kind of talk?”

 

“You don’t want to know, Ma’am.” There was a hint of fear in her voice.

 

“I rather think I do.” Serena’s pointed words made the Captain squirm a little.

 

“It’s rather harsh.”

 

“It’s a military base.” Serena waited. She could see the Captain was ill at ease, looking around her with that same frown on her face.

 

“Look, you pissed off the wrong people, it happens, I should have warned you I’m sorry.” She looked away and Serena sighed, annoyed.

 

“Even if you had warned me I wouldn’t have done anything different, Captain.”

 

“They can make your life miserable.”

 

“And by can you mean will?” The Captain nodded. “What can I expect?”

 

“Name-calling, sneering, lewd jokes…”

 

“So just back to med school, brilliant.”

 

“Could the med school guys have you assigned to the worst possible looking and smelling wounds until you throw up?” There was a lot more respect in the captain’s voice than she’d expected, either that or pity.

 

“I have a pretty good stomach.”

 

“We’ve all said that, Ma’am.”

 

Serena wondered what the Captain had heard exactly, but it was pretty clear to her now that she wouldn’t say anything. She would have to try and get it out of someone else, maybe that American surgeon from before, provided she could shake him off faster this time.

 

When they got to the mess, the first thing Serena noticed was a woman sat on a table, her feet on the back of a chair, wolfing down a sandwich. Their eyes met and Serena realised that it had been the Major. The Major seemed to come to the same conclusion as she somehow elegantly hopped from her precarious position and strode toward them with criminally long legs. She looked way too good for someone their age, especially doing what she did.

 

“I don’t know what you said to them, but it really got to them.” She laughed, biting in her sandwich before raising her eyebrows in the Captain’s direction. She scampered with what Serena thought was a blush on her cheeks. “When was the last time you ate?” The Major’s question took her by surprise. She could honestly not remember, wasn’t even entirely sure what time it was. She was hungry though.

 

“There is coffee.” At her words, Serena’s eyes widened. Wolfe let out another of her barks of laughter. “I see the NHS hasn’t changed! Still running on coffee and paperwork?”

 

“Well, we use the coffee to endure the paperwork mostly.”

 

The Major let out an amused sigh.

 

“You’ll need the coffee for more than paperwork here.” There was an intensity in her eyes that made Serena almost uneasy. “It’s stronger, too!” They stayed like that, refusing to be the first one to look away for a second longer than it would normally take anyone to notice. Somewhere in the back, Serena’s guardian angel whined while one of her team mates tapped on her back.

 

“Making friends, Wolfe, are you?” Another American had walked along, looking at Serena much lower than her eyes.  She exchanged a look with the Major who shifted slightly. Once he got closer to her, too close for comfort, she saw Bernie subtly move until she could flat out walk on his foot. Her boot seemed harder than his.

 

“You were saying?”

 

The man was fuming. He muttered something under his breath but Wolfe held his stare.

 

“Welcome to round two of medschool.”

 

“Minus the booze.” Serena’s addition made her grin, lighting up her whole face, some strands of hair escaping the regulation hairdo. Serena wondered what carding her fingers through it would feel like before realising she really needed to make sure to get enough water, dehydration was starting to get to her.

 

The Major was in her element, and Serena suddenly didn’t feel as estranged from what would have to become her home, although she preferred her home devoid of the kind of men she’d encountered so far today. She realised she hadn’t felt this alive since… Her face fell and she looked away. The Major noticed but didn’t comment. She pointed at the coffee and left, head hanging a little.

 

Serena approached the table carefully. She took advantage of having her back to the rest of the room to take a deep breath and close her eyes. She couldn’t stop, she had to stay in movement. It was the only way. She poured herself some coffee, burning her tongue on the hot liquid, the strong bitter taste only making itself known once the pain had left. What had she gotten herself into… As someone stepped behind her, in long confident steps, she braced herself.

 

“So, you only into ladies…” The man started, head tilted toward the door Wolfe had disappeared in, “or got a patient one at home?” Serena blinked a few times. What on Earth…

 

“Neither, what about you?” She had almost spat out the words and it seemed to startle him.

 

“Free as a bird.” Serena had a feeling that was a barely disguised joke.

 

“Plenty of cages around for you to try and get in, then.” Her deadpan tone took him by surprise again, and she heard several men guffaw behind them.

 

“You had it coming, pal.” “I like her.” “This is going to be fun.” “Mate, I wouldn’t push it if I were you, if she’s even half as good a surgeon as they say she is, you could be singing soprano in no time!”

 

The comments she heard as she made her way to a table next to the one her Captain was sitting didn’t get to her. It didn’t matter what they thought.

 

“You get used to the coffee.” The young woman’s words were like a peace offering in comparison to the previous exchange. Serena could tell there was something she wanted to add but didn’t dare. Either she needed to loosen up, or she was too perceptive for her own good.

 

“The Major was in a right mood this morning, any idea what happened?” A man, about the Captain’s age, had turned to her, apparently trying to change subject.

 

“Something about her kids, and Captain Dawson.” The captain’s soft voice barely carried at all, which Serena thought was the point. She thought it best not to ask what was meant by that.

 

“Do you think she’ll come back?”

 

The Captain shrugged.

 

“I don’t know. If she does, it probably won’t be here.”

 

“You don’t think they could work together?”

 

“I don’t think work would be the problem…”

 

Serena felt like they were talking in code. Whether they meant for her not to know what they were talking about or not she couldn’t tell. The young man was about to add something before looking at Serena and thinking better of it.

 

“Better dash, don’t want the Major on my case.” He waved at the Captain and nodded at Serena before walking away. Serena raised a questioning eyebrow.

 

“Just some base gossip. That’s the thing when everyone gets thrown together, word goes around fast, rumours and all…” Serena knew all about rumours. At least she didn’t have to share quarters with her team. She could bet Fletch snored.

 

The Captain retrieved a schedule from her pocket and handed it to Serena. The bright orange highlighter would be enough to wake her up in the morning; well, some evenings, too. Those shifts were different than those in the civilian world, could get stretched indefinitely, were really a vague guideline if things went bad. She had been warned about all this, and it felt even more futile, holding that schedule, wondering whether she was supposed to pin it somewhere or memorise it. She tried to locate her next shift and closed her eyes.

 

“Even if you don’t feel tired after the trip, you might want to get a few hours sleep at least.”

 

The Captain’s words made Serena look up. The younger woman saw the look on Serena’s face, the exhaustion, and smiled empathetically. Serena rose, nodding at her before making her way to the quarters. She had memorised that part at least.

 

Once there, having made sure she was alone, she collapsed on the bed, closing her eyes for a second, letting out an audible groan when she heard what was unmistakeable a couple going at it nearby. ‘Some things just don’t change,’ she mumbled, trying to muffle the sound with the pillow to no avail.

 

Trying to ignore the sound, she did what her psychologist had all but ordered, make a list, mental if necessary, of good things about the day. Here, she wasn’t sure which was bad and which was good. The Major was good. The Captain, too, she supposed. The life saved was good. The coffee was… well, no, the coffee was bad. The bed wasn’t bad, not that she expected sleep to elude her after a day like this, even with what pains she’d been having going to sleep since…

 

She couldn’t say it, even now, even here where death was such a larger part of life than it was back in Holby. Death was for other people, death was for soldiers, and some civilians caught in the crossfire, on occasion. That was it. No… She took a deep breath, feeling the pain irradiate in her chest, biting back a sob.

 

She heard steps in the distance and stilled, holding her breath. The steps stopped. Someone knocked sternly on the door of what Serena supposed was the lovers’ nest before starting to walk again. The steps were coming closer, and Serena wasn’t sure what the protocol was.

 

From where she was, she saw a waist, a woman’s which would make sense in the women’s quarters, and little else. The woman leaned against the frame of the bunk beds and let out a sigh not unlike those Serena had reined in all day. What was she supposed to do, keep pretending not to be there, or make herself known?

 

Next door, the noise had stopped. “Thank god,” Serena muttered, making the woman jump. She let out a nervous laugh. Serena sat up and looked up. The Major was tall, taller than her at least, there was something in the way she held herself that commanded respect, but in that moment her shoulders were slumped, and the look on her face betrayed her state of mind.

 

“Do you have children?”

 

Serena recoiled at her question, pain and anger making her struggle to find an appropriate response.

 

“Had,” she breathed. She saw the Major’s face fall as she looked away.

 

“Sorry. Sorry, it’s none of my business, and you must have enough…” The Major sat on the floor, looking in the distance. Serena wondered whether she’d ever heard of the concept of chairs as seating implements as one was just a few feet away.

 

Serena felt something thaw in her. She felt herself wanting to reach out without knowing how to. The captain had mentioned her children before. There was a sore spot there, and she had most likely only meant to make a self-deprecating joke. The more she discovered about the woman the more she wanted to get to know her, while at the same time feeling the need to protect herself from the world at large, or maybe just to protect people from the wrath she knew herself capable of unleashing on unsuspecting victims.

 

“Nothing will bring her back.” That was a truth Serena still struggled with, and speaking it out, there of all places, felt foreign, surreal. The Major looked up, and Serena suddenly wondered whether she had ever met anyone who looked more like a lost puppy.

 

“I’m not sure I can do anything with mine.” There was a solid dose of self-loathing in her words as well.

 

“At least they’re still alive.” There was still venom there and she could just as well have slapped her.

 

“They’re the ones wishing I was dead.” Serena could tell how hard it had been for the Major to admit this, admit it to anyone, she suspected, just speak the words. Her voice had broken on the last word.

 

“You don’t realise how much you care for people until they’re gone.” Serena wasn’t sure whether she was trying to help or just talking to herself. The Major’s eyes seemed to peer into her soul and she felt short of breath. The Major just nodded in understanding. She was familiar with that feeling.

 

“This isn’t an ideal place to grieve.” The Major’s voice had softened, attempting to redirect the conversation.

 

“There’s no ideal place to grieve, Major.” There was sadness in Serena’s voice now, just sadness. The anger was gone, for now, replaced by what felt like emotional exhaustion. She felt everything too hard, too much. She couldn’t let go, because it was the one thing still…

 

“Bernie, please.” The Major was extending her hand toward her, a kind of understanding, Serena suspected.

 

“Serena.” She took her hand, familiar calluses and a firm handshake.

 

“They always say it’s lonely at the top, but it’s not just the loneliness, is it?” The depth of Bernie’s words made Serena bite her lip as she nodded.

 

Bernie didn’t press; she didn’t offer condolences or pity. Serena didn’t press either, suspecting Bernie was a very private person, that the only things that filtered were those that happened too publicly to be hidden from view. Yet Serena was fairly sure she had a picture of her kids in her locker, probably a picture of them when they were little, still carefree and loving. Serena wondered whether she should put one of the pictures of Elinor she’d brought with her somewhere but decided to save herself the heartache, for now.

 

It looked like she’d made a friend. She added that to the ‘good’ list. They shared a smile, a little sad but full of promises. There were butts to be kicked and patients to be sewn back together, and they were in it together.

 

“Welcome in hell.” Bernie’s side smile made something inside Serena melt. “It worked better back in Helmand,” she added, looking down with an apologetic smile.

 

“Hell isn’t a place,” Serena added, “it’s a state of mind.” Bernie looked up.

 

“Looks like we both walked backward into it, then.”

 

“Nothing like slippery guts to find your way back.”

 

Serena laughed, her first real laugh since… since Elinor’s death. She wasn’t ready to say it just yet, but just admitting it to herself was enough, for now.

 

There was something soft to this barren side of the Major, something that drew Serena closer. They shared another look before the Major looked away and got up.

 

“You know,” she said softly, “I don’t think most people know what death feels like, even here, not like this.” She looked at Serena through the fringe that was starting to escape from her hairdo. “The civilians, they do, but they won’t talk, only between themselves, and it’s all too easy to look away. It takes guts,” she smiled self-deprecatingly again, “to face it, to stand and face it. Especially here.” She paused. “We have a psychologist. He’s too young, too… I don’t know exactly.” She sighed, looked Serena in the eye and started speaking again.

 

 “If you need a caffeine shot and a chat,” she paused again, an almost shy smile on her face, “I’ll be around.” With that, she retrieved something from her locker and left. Serena realised her lips were still curled up into a smile. It felt good to connect with someone again. She might even take Bernie up on her offer, well for the chat at least. She’d have to get used to the coffee.


End file.
